Jaundice of the Soul
by OrganOfFlames
Summary: Ruby Rose, the Beacon prodigy, is just like everyone else. Even she gets jealous to the point of self-loathing and pity. Short drabble. Written to vent.


Ruby let the door find its own way closed, trudging towards her single bed suspended in the RWBY dorm. The room was barren of people. She picked the covers up, undoing her lack of handy work from the morning, and crawled beneath. Her face hit the pillow, the covers wrapped around her and the warmth coddled her, yet her stoic expression didn't change. Her mind was blank. Eyes staring holes into the wall, she kept on, unchanging.

 _He entwined his hand with hers._

Her face visibly twitched, her teeth sinking into her lower lip. The deadpan eyes started to fog over. The oxygen built up in her lungs slowly released, flooding beneath the heavy duvet. For ten long seconds, no breath came back to her.

 _He pulled her close to him._

The teeth buried in her lip slid away, gnashing with her bottom set. Lips cracking open, hot air flowed out. She knew she had no reason to be angry. She knew she didn't earn a reason to be angry. She also knew you didn't have to earn a reason to be angry, but without one, she just felt worse.

 _They exchanged smiles, the lucky lovebirds._

She attempted to pull the duvet closer, feeling it worlds away, but simply discovering it was already wrapped around her like a cocoon. The realisation didn't help, only made her feel colder. Warm breath barrelled from her lungs, seething between her teeth.

She remembered back to when they'd exchanged smiles too. She could've sworn it was the same smile, the one filled with love. Yet, even though she send the love straight back, _she's_ on the receiving end of it now.

Playing the right moves, saying the funny lines, but nothing came of it, except this feeling.

Her toes curled up as she raised her feet, the closer to her body she could get them, the better her loose-stitched well-being felt. Keeping her body warm and close to the safety of her bed could only serve to help protect her weak seams.

 _They lent in, brief kisses shared._

Silver eyes almost worthless until she felt her scroll buzz. She snatched it and rose it out from beneath the duvet. It was an alert for her next class. Apathetically, her thumb dropped to the delete button. Of course he wouldn't text her. Her mind was on him, his mind was on everyone else; or so it seemed.

 _She went back for a second time. He welcomed it…_

Her hands started to shiver, dropping her scroll onto the mattress. What would've happened if she did that? Gone in for a kiss? If it was like that… They could've been something. Her heart wouldn't feel pierced and throbbing.

 _Her lips pressed to his ear, whispering unheard words. She could only imagine what they were._

Her face was quivering from the cold, from the anger, from the emotional beating. However, her expression was unchanging. Her mind was racing behind the dull exterior.

She could've spoken about anything. The test coming up. The food at the cafeteria. The pleasure of the kiss. The things she thought about last night. The things they did last night. The other girl foolishly in love with someone else's man.

The unknown ate away at her, gnawing at the seams she had left.

He had been so nice to her. So lovely. Yet, nothing came of it. Just… A friend? Her cogs kept stopping and starting. Her shoulders starting to shake unnecessarily violently.

 _The playful giggling._

She knew he deserved it. He was a good guy and she wanted his happiness. She knew his new partner deserved it. She, too, was a wonderful person. But the happiness they shared made her body tense and the lump in her throat to swell. It eventually made the tears fall from glass.

 _He had only loved me in my head._

She felt ready to vomit, her gut churning. She wanted so desperately to forget about him. About watching them come together before her. Every time her mind attempted to flee, it was caged and brought right back to the cell.

Coughing as the tears dampened her pillow, she sunk deeper beneath the duvet, hiding the light of day from her body. She could only weep. She could only feel helpless. She could only feel wrong.

That's all. While they were out there having the time of their lives; making the most of their ever-shortening youth, she was curled up in self-loathing and regret. In her pity.

 _This is part of my collapse._

 **Author's Note:** **I don't believe there is a person in this world that doesn't have their own demons to face. That is one of mine.**

 **I'm still working on it, along with many others, but I'm hoping to better myself. I didn't write this for the enjoyment of others. I did it to vent. I didn't publish this for the reviews. I did it for those who can relate. I thought about having a happy ending, maybe a glimmer of hope at the end, but it just didn't feel right. This is more of me than I've put in any of my other works. It's not pretty.**

 **Even so, there are musical references in this, like most of my works. If you catch them, congrats. Here's a hint: The original title was "M1A1" which explains the cover art.**


End file.
